The rain rain rain came down down down

I can't help but just lay in my bed and smile, when it's dark out and all I can hear is the rain falling right outside my window.

Maybe sometimes I don't appreciate things like this as much as I should. Sometimes we all get so bogged down with school, or work, or other issues going on in our lives, that we just completely forget about these simple things that are so awesome. We get so stressed about things like money, being accepted, relationships, jobs, and all the little things in life that we forget really are just little things. And there are so many of these little things that make up our lives that it's okay sometimes if we mess up. I mean life goes on, and it gets better. It gets better if you let it get better. But we forget that, and alot of the time, every tiny mistake feels like a really big mistake.

Anyways, I'm off to bed.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/l0i7JU9SijE?rel=0

Acadia, AFV, and other things.

I have been cursed with the inability to go to bed before about 2am.
And it's not that I haven't tried to go to bed earlier, because I have. Maybe I need to start waking up earlier even when I don't have to, because sleeping in until 11 or 12 probably isn't helping. Being on the computer probably isn't helping much either.
ohwell..

I miss being at Acadia. I love it there. I can't wait to go back (10daaaaaaaysfckyeah). It's going to be the best ever.

I'm so lonely right now. I never do anything. I go to school. I work one day a week. And all the other time I just sit in my apartment doing absolutely nothing. I need to get out more.

AFV is pretty damn entertaining though. A guy just put on a shock collar and he's testing to see if he can handle the 6 levels of it. Why? WHY?! I just don't get it. That has got to be one of the absolute, stupidest things i've ever witnessed. Like, it's causing him so much pain, but he's just leaving it on ther and keeps going.

I'm bitter tonight.

nonsense

Well, it's 3:16am. I should be sleeping because I have to deal with small children tomorrow and this late night isn't going to help. My sleep schedule is all messed up lately. I just can't go to bed at a decent hour. Oh well.

So I don't really have much to say, except that it's been a lame night. I just figure, even if I don't have anything to write, if I just make a habit of it anyways, I'll just keep doing it.

My Winnie The Pooh VHS doesn't work anymore and I'm damn upset about it.

Fuck.

Changes

Of course,

Almost two months have passed and I haven't written a thing. It's terrible, really it is. I'm so bad at keeping up with this shit.

Well my dearest readers (if there are any of you lurking out there), so many things have changed since my last post. I'm in school, I'm single, I cut off all my hair. Mostly just those three things are what have changed, but those are three really big things.

I'm so excited to be in school. It's really really tough, but I'm loving it. I think i'm going to go to Ryerson when I'm done here. I think that's my official plan. I'm gonna study Theatre Dance, because that's what I really love. Maybe I'll minor in Psychology, because sometimes I feel like that's what I should be doing. Maybe someday I'll do both. Dance Therapy? Who knows.

Being single kind of sucks, and I don't really enjoy it most of the time. There are times that I'm kind of happy about it, it's nice to be ''free'' in a sense, and not have to worry about someone else. And most of the time now I'm just too busy to even have a boyfriend. When you go to school 7 days a week, there isn't much time for anyone else. I mean, you have to make time for yourself, time to work, time to keep in touch with family, time to have friends. I don't even have time for all of those things, I guess I don't have time for a boyfriend anyways. Although, I do miss cuddling, and having someone to do things with when I want to do things, and someone to tell things to when there's no one else to tell. I just keep it to myself now.

I miss my hair.

Sometimes I like to lurk in my apartment window and look into my neighbors windows. That sounds really really creepy, but I don't do it in a creepy way. I just wonder what their lives are like, what their deal is.
Sometimes I like to make up stories, maybe I'll write a book (probablynot)

Well, I guess that's all for now. Maybe I'll start finding some time late at night to do this.

Sigh.

Heartbreak

There is SO much love in this world, and too much of it is wasted and destroyed.

I can't believe what happened and I don't know if it will ever leave my brain. I hate that the circumstances gave me no choice what-so-ever.

This sucks.

Toddlers and Tiaras

So, I’m sitting in my bed watching Toddlers and Tiaras, It’s the most ridiculous shit of all time, but whatever.

ANYWAYS, so there’s this little girl who says: “Someday I want to be on the American Olympic gymnastics team.” And I’m all like, you go girl that’s fucking awesome. BUT her mother says: “I don’t think that gymnastics and pageants really go together because her muscles were starting to develop and there were things she couldn’t do. So we’re taking a break from gymnastics and now her body is ‘back to normal’.”

:| WHAT.THA.FUCK.

I have never been more angry at a TV show in my life. “This is my daughter and I’m just going to go ahead and deprive her of her dreams.” Shameful, so fucking shameful.

 

it's hard to get any work done around here when my boss is so snuggly.

I am doing my best to keep this thing goin' strong. So far I think i'm doing pretty good since it's only been like, two days since I posted something (I lied it's been like 5 days). I don't really have much to write about but I figure if I just jump on here something will come to mind.

Today I sat in the park by a pond and read my book. I got kicked off the grass by this pond. (Which I think is really dumb because people should be allowed to sit on the grass in public parks.) I've also been sitting in that exact spot every other day for like two weeks, and no one had said anything to me until today. It was really nice because I liked being right by that little pond with the ducks. Guess I have to find a new place to read my books in the sun.
I was also hit on by some foreign fellow on the street. He was like.. 15. It was creepy and I didn't like it. So I gave him a sassy look and walked away. I hope he got the point that he's a creepy little weirdo and to not try to pick up women on the street.

My boyfriend came home from Cape Breton the other day. I am glad he's home. <3

I have nothing else to say. Nothing has really happened to me lately.

I can't wait to dance again.

Mornings

I mostly like to write things in the morning, because I think that's when my thoughts are more organic. Not tainted by the events of the day. Not leaning one way or the other. And you can write about yesterday after you've had time to reflect on it. But maybe I should want to write about today's events while they're still fresh in my mind? I dunno. I'm dumb.

I was at a concert the other night. There were three bands. The first band to go on stage was called "Oh No, Theodore." They were really amazing and I wish I had of had money to buy one of their CD's. Anyways, They were really refreshing to watch play. There were 6 of them on this little elementary school gym stage, but honestly the stage didn't seem crowded like it sometimes does. They looked like they just fit up there perfectly together. They were so in tune with each other and it was so nice, it didn't seem like a job at all; which i'm sure it never feels like. I couldn't stop watching their cello player (yeah, they had a cello player, and a violinist). While everyone was rockin' out, he was sitting in his chair, playing his cello, and his face was so peaceful. He was so into it, as was everyone else, but it was in such a different way than everyone else. I loved it.

I sat and listened to two men who were busking on the street today. One was playing a drum like thing, the other a guitar and a harmonica simultaneously. I sat for a while and thoroughly enjoyed their music. I then threw them the change that I had bulking up my purse and left. I got on the bus and thought about how people like that, who can play such good music, are so ignored. And I sit here hearing all these little pop stars who are making millions, when there are these two guys on the street playing some of the best shit I've heard all day. It's a shame.

Anyways, I then came home and played my own guitar. A day for music I suppose.

anchored

I miss him,
his smile
his voice
his hugs
his kisses
his body.


I want my face to hurt from smiling again.

There's something defeating about feeling like you aren't a part of someones life as much as you wish you were.

I wish I didn't know that feeling.

i think

I think that I enjoy doing absolutely nothing, a lot more than most people do.

I am currently laying in my bed in an oversized sweater that belongs to my boyfriend, watching The Nate Berkus Show. I am very hungry, but I have no food and no money to buy food. I guess i'm officially a starving artist, er.. dancer. Starving dancer? Sounds about right I guess.

In some ways I wish I had interesting things to write about, but it doesn't really matter.

I have to go fill out some paperwork this evening for a new job, so I'm pretty excited. I tried being a telemarketer for about a week. I came to the conclusion that, that's not the type of job for me. I missed retail too much. So that's my big plans for the day. Maybe i'll try and find someone to hang out with.

My boyfriend is in Cape Breton for the weekend and I miss him quite a lot. I think that I missed him before he was even gone, because just knowing I wasn't going to be able to see him was shitty. I thought that it wouldn't be so bad really, because we were long distance for most of our relationship thus far, and I saw him for like, 2 days every 2 or 3 weeks. And I mean, it's not like I didn't miss him in that time or that it was easy for me to be away from him, but I was used to it. But I still miss him and I can't wait to see his face again and hug him. The scariest thing about distance is that you don't know whether you'll be missed or forgotten.

Well I guess that's it. I'm gonna go eat some crackers or something.
<3

i don't know

I have found that life currently is the most unexciting thing. 

There are no unexpected events, no twists, nothing. Just.. nothing.

I sit around my apartment in the morning, eat breakfast, shower, and get ready for the day. Two or Three days a week I get ready for work and go there for 8 hours and then I come home and my day is over. The rest of the days I don't really do anything. Mostly because I don't know what to do. There's nothing to keep me occupied. I am pretty sure that everyone else will have a way more exciting summer than I am.

late night carbs

I don't like the way I write.

I read other peoples blogs, and it's like their blogs have a purpose. They have them for a reason, and they write and I want to read it because it seem interesting. I don't see this like that. I don't know why I'm writing, or who I'm writing it for or ever what I want to be in it. No one even really knows that I have this silly thing. I put it on Twitter, but no one really knows that I have that either.

I have an audition for dance school in two weeks. I'm nervous and excited, naturally. It's a simple half hour ballet class, which to any dancer seems easy peasy lemon squeezy. But I'm actually a little terrified because I have no idea what level of ballet it will be, how she's going to teach it, if she'll just ask me to do stuff or if she'll show me first. If she just asks I met never get into this school because I'm terrible with my vocabulary. Maybe I should brush up on it over the next two weeks. I'm also in a crunch to get in shape but I'm terrible at working out.

I guess it's time to brush my teeth and go to bed.
Oh, and note to self; when your best friend says "you shouldn't have carbs this late" she's right.

an "i should be sleeping but i have things on my mind" blog

Well,
I have to get up early tomorrow morning as i'm going out for breakfast with my dearest friend. But I have some thoughts swimming around in my brain right now, and I need to get them out before I sleep.

First off, I have finally applied to school for dance. I'm beyond nervous about it. I watched the school that I applied to dance in a performance today and all I could think was, "holy crap, i'm definitely not that good." I mean, I guess I don't REALLY know how good I am because I can't watch myself. But I know what looks good, and I don't think what I'm doing is it. I don't know if these 13 years have done me any good.
It's hard for me to practice and i'm going to have to do an audition soon. It would be helpful to know what i'm actually supposed to do at the audition, and what kind of audition it is. Is it one on one? A group thing? I don't know. I'm also very out of shape, and I don't know if i'm going to have much time to get back into shape before the audition, because I dunno when it is.
Then what if I don't even get in? All I want to do is dance, I love it. I don't want to take another year off, it's such a waste of my time. I'm starting to get quite nervous.

Second, I am heading back to my apartment in the city (mmm, I like the way that phrase sounds) tomorrow. There is a part of me that is very anxious and excited to get back into my little place. Hopefully they painted it while I was gone because I really need that to be done so I can hang things on my walls and really get settled in.
There is also a part of me that gets quite homesick and lonely when I am there. I'm not sure what it is yet that makes me feel that way. It might simply be that I miss my mom when I'm there, because really I do miss her quite dearly. I've stayed with her this week while I am sick and I think that it has cured me much faster.
I also will have to go back to work. I work at a mens clothing store, which I worked at at home before it closed and I moved. But it's not the same in the city. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about my boss yet. He's not very good at explaining things, and some things are a lot different than they were at my old store. I just don't think I will love it the same way I loved it here. I think I would be much happier in a teenagers clothing store or something more my age... and gender. But what can I do now? I'm already hired and I would feel bad quitting for a reason like that.

Well I suppose that it's for now. I am feeling a little stressed, but a little less than when I started typing.

Sleep is upon me.

dreamz

I don't understand why my dreams are so vivid, and amazing. They're basically a movie. But when it comes to reality and I want to be creative and write or draw or do anything, i'm a blank slate.
I've tried writing down my dreams but of course I had a hard time keeping up with it. I don't feel like writing them first thing in the morning because i'm laaaaaaaaaaazy. So then I don't and then I forget them.

I'm going to try and remember this one and write it out in detail later today maybe I think.

12:47am

Well, go figure I guess. Haven't posted a thing since February 20. And there is absolutely no excuse, as I really have no life. Oh well. I don't think anyone read it anyways.

I've had a rough month. I'll start by telling you that i've had 7 kidney infections now since September. It's bizarre and the doctor doesn't seem to want to do anything real about it, so hopefully I will be going to see a specialist. I've had two in the past month.
I also got burned by a pot of boiling water falling on my chest. That was approx a month ago, im better now.
 I am just starting to get over strep throat.
It sucks. Mostly because I don't feel really sick or anything, I did at first but that was because I had a kidney infection too, but since I don't feel sick, it's not like I have any loss of appetite. It's impossible to eat anything because my throat kills. I've eaten very few solid foods in the past 5 days. My diet has consisted of water, penicillin, orange juice, popsicles, the occasional piece of plain white bread and today i had mashed up boiled eggs, I was feeling outgoing. I feel quite weak, malnourished and am pretty much craving absolutely everything. Especially pizza.

I don't usually ramble that much about life, but if anyone reads this, I figure I should update them.
I think I will re-arrange my blog a little. I don't have any writings to insert today, sorry friends.

11:30pm

I am a failure at keeping up with things.

I just don't have the energy to write in here sometimes. It's difficult. I also started recording all my spending at the beginning of the month and i'm not doing very well with that either.

But i'll try harder; not tonight.

I procrastinate.

am i doing this right?

I think there's something comforting about having a blog that no one reads. It's like having a diary, only completely different.

There are a lot of things I would never write in a blog. Mostly I just like to think that maybe someone out there is reading the things that I write and maybe getting some sort of something out of it. Not necessarily happiness, or even enjoying it, or finding some ''hidden meaning'' because chances are there is no hidden meaning. Just something. Maybe 60 seconds out of their day where they forgot about what was bugging them, even though they may never remember those 60 seconds.

I'm too shy to share anything I write with anyone I know. Even the people who are close to me. If they happen to stumble across this little fella, that's fine. But I can't bring myself to show them myself.

--

There were dark clouds rolling in from the east, covering the glowing light of the sun through the plain clear window. He closed the blinds; it was too much for him. The train of her gorgeous hand stitched wedding gown was trailing out of the open closet door.
He stared at her sleeping peacefully. Her long blonde hair hiding the striped pattern on the pillow. Her pale, flecked, porcelain skin softly caressing the perfect white sheets.
The gold band on his finger felt like a leash.

(written July 30th, 2010)

i am an octopus.

I an an octopus, a monster of your appetite.
Eating clams and crabs and dead things, that I found on the ocean floor.
I'll swallow whole, your first born child.
Your litter creates the walls of my home.

--

Well,
today I got called into work 3 hours early. So that sucked, as well as it was deader than dead. I then wrote a very small poem called I am an octopus. It has no meaning. But it sounds pretty sweet I thought.

I'm pretty sick of working all the time, and I have about six months of it to go.

I don't have much to say today.

set me free; i want to love, i want to dance.

Ah, the beginning of a fresh new blog. A new chapter, a new page, something new to screw up.

I haven't entirely decided what the use of my having this thing is yet, but as for right now.. everything. I was reading through my book of writing today, and realized that some of the things I have written down I would like to share with people.

I guess I should introduce myself.

My name is Kelsey.

--

Now for a small taste of what is to come;

My Matchbook

And I was sinking; slowly sinking,
until your hands, found me.
Lying in the grass,
under the sun and moonlight.

You put this smile,
across my face;
I sold myself short,
to this bitter unhappiness.

You were here,
and I watched it fade.

Light is not an option,
that I can turn on and off.
My matchbook,
has run dry.