And we're back.

Well it's been about a month since I've written a post, which isn't too bad for me. Usually I would just let this thing disintegrate for 8 months or so then come back to it. But I'm doing my best.

It's been a pretty lame month. I moved home and I've basically sat around doing absolutely nothing all the time. It's really sad and I hate it. But I have a job interview on Friday and I'm really excited and I hope I finally get a job.

I adventured to Wolfville this weekend for St Patricks day. It was an amazingly wonderful weekend and I'm so excited to be going back there in the fall. Hopefully all works out well this time. I've been feeling pretty down lately, so having a nice weekend away with some fun and amazing people was really good. It reminded me that I have a lot to be happy about. Those people mean the world to me.

Jeff and I went for a lovely walk in the park this evening. And by lovely I mean it was fairly warm and we talked about Star Wars the whole time.

Sorry that this post was so lame and that you wasted the time to read it. I didn't really have anything to say, I just wanted to get back into the swing of it.

Will you remember me in ten years? Will I remember you?

There are already so many people who's names I just can't remember sometimes. Just, people I knew in school who I've just forgotten completely. And when I think about it, it feels like this moment and all the things that are happening, and all the people I'm associated with right now, it all feels like the most important stuff in the world. But it's not at all. Because I'm probably not going to talk to most of you in ten years time. I'll have forgotten some of your names. And most of you will have forgotten about me.

I like to think that I know there are at least a few people who I know will always be a part of my life, but there's also a chance that they wont be there forever. Simply because things change, and people go their separate ways. It's not on purpose, it just happens and theirs nothing you can do about it.

The other side of that, is the part that sucks. When people walk out on purpose, and you don't want them to. But it happens, and you can try to hold on to all the little things all you want, but if they really want to go, then they're going to go. And even after they're gone you can try to hold on to the memories and all the things that you think are so important, but eventually they'll fade and you'll get over it. And that is sad to think about.

Sleepyhead

I rarely go into writing a blog post with anything planned to say. I never feel like there's anything relevant on my mind.

I'm really stressed out lately. Well.. just over the past like.. 3 days. I'm already finding moving home hard to cope with. A lot has been going on, not things that I tell anyone about, but just stuff. And I'm losing a friend that I hold very dear, and that sucks. Things that are making it just difficult to be content day to day and to keep my mind on track and somewhat focused on anything. Wow, what a confusing paragraph. That probably only makes sense to me. But that is okay.

I went to a dance class today and I was so happy I did. I'm going to start going as often as possible. Like, at least once a week I hope. It's one thing that really does help me focus, and gives me a few hours of not thinking about anything but the way that my body is moving and how my muscles are working. I like that. And it's always been that way, ever since I can remember. I can recall being in junior high and thinking that exact same thought. I need to make a promise to myself to never ever stop dancing.

My teacher told me today that my arabesque looked lovely, and solid. (for those of you who don't know what arabesque is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arabesque_(ballet_position) ) Which was so nice. I haven't taken a dance class since October, but even still, the things that I learned in August and September are still there, and I feel like I can still improve, which is great. Even though dancing turned out to not be something I want as a career, it's still my all time favorite pastime.

I feel like sometimes I need a motivator. Like, I would go to more dance classes, and do a lot of other things, if I had someone to motivate me to do it. Which is kind of sad, because I want to be able to motivate myself in that way. I just find it very difficult. I'm gonna work on that.

Today someone called me naturally pretty and awkwardly charming. I think that's the nicest thing I've ever been told by anyone ever. It's even better than having a solid arabesque. I don't know if that person realizes how much that meant to me. I don't know if they read this, but I guess if they do, now they know.

Well, I'm gonna go play some Zelda.

Goodnight.

Somebody That I Used To Know

I can never stop listening to that song. It used to come on at work all the time and it is always stuck in my head.

I've noticed that my page views are going up on my blog. Which is kind of nice but kind of frightening as well. But to those of you reading this. Hi, I'm glad you're here.

I spent all day today cleaning and organizing my room. It was insanely productive and I'm glad I got so much done. I even started to unpack a little bit. Having all this done has made moving home feel slightly more real. But I still don't feel like I live here.

Aside from feeling decent about that, I'm actually in a fucking terrible mood. The only thing keeping me mildly happy/entertained at this point is two of my friends having a weird ass conversation on Twitter. I just feel fucking useless to everyone and everything. I guess I always feel that way, but especially right now.

Sometimes I think that I like being sad more than I like being happy. I feel like if I really wanted to, I could be happy. There's really nothing wrong with my life, but I always seem to be down instead of up, even when things are really good. Whatever. I try to constantly remind myself that happiness is nothing but an emotion. Just like every other emotion, it comes and goes. It's not a destination, you wont always be happy. You'll be sad, you'll be angry, you'll be jealous and that's okay. Because that's life and that's the way you're built. You have to accept your sadness, anger, and jealousy with open arms just as you accept your happiness. But sometimes it's hard.

I'm gonna go drop off resumes and buy candles tomorrow. My dad is leaving on his first trip tomorrow to the states, I am excited for him, and proud of him. But I'm scared. Big trucks scare me. He's a badass though, so he'll probably be alright.

Well, that's all for tonight I guess.

--

And I was sinking,
Slowly
Sinking.
Until your hands found me,
Lying in the grass.
Lying in the sun.
Lying in the moonlight.

My head falls through your shoulder,
And I'm trying to pick it up.

--

Self-pity

Well, I am all moved back home. And again, everyone I know is out partying and I am home laying in bed. Why is that might you ask? Well, because after being up at 8am and spending my whole day stressed out and lifting and moving around heavy objects, my neck has seized up and I can barely move. So, that's really awesome.

It's a pretty unexpected treat, that's for sure. I thought I was going to come home and get everything organized and I would be super content, but it's pretty much the opposite. I'm pretty pissed off at this point. And me neck and shoulders hurt like a mother fucker. SO I'm laying in bed, with the magic bag wrapped around my neck, and have been watching tv and catching up on some shows.

I've decided it's a lot easier to watch Glee now, if I skip through the songs. Which is funny because that used to be the parts that I liked more. It's not that I'm even very concerned with it, but I've watched it since the beginning so I feel like I just need to keep watching it for some stupid reason. It's like i've got a connection to the characters now and I want to know what happens to them.

My life feels like a fucking mess. I feel like I have a lack of friends, mostly because I do. Good ones anyway. I literally just moved me entire life for the millionth time in the past two years and I'm just so unorganized and it is frustrating. I really wanted to get my shit together tonight. But I guess it'll have to wait. I wish I was a wizard so I could just snap my fingers and have everything unpacked and away. That'd be pretty damn ideal.

Well, I am officially falling asleep as I write this. Time to turn on some Star Wars and ptfo.

I miss my boyfriend. (sappy)

May the force be with you, always.

Well, I am pleased to say I watched all of the Star Wars films over the last week and a half and I am ADDICTED. Jeff and I watched the original trilogy, spread over about a week, and then watch the prequel trilogy over the past three days. And let me tell you, it's so true that the originals are SO much better. But then watching the prequel trilogy really made me want to watch the originals again, so I downloaded them and am going to do so after I finish this post.

I always thought I would hate Star Wars, I just didn't think it would be interesting. But I was soooo wrong. Even though the prequels suck, I think they are still an important part. Because after watching the originals, I wanted to know everything, even though I knew they wouldn't be as good. I hated the excessive use of CGI and the lack of costumes. I mean, even Yoda was CGI in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. Like, come on guys. It's Yoda. I felt like it took away from his persona. It probably made it easier for them to do his badass lightsaber duels though. Fucking badass.

Honestly though, they are the best movies i've ever seen. Definitely at the top of my list. If you've never watched them, I highly recommend you do. Even if you think you'll hate it, you probably wont. Seriously though, I wanna be a jedi, hello halloween costume.

I also watched the first 3 episodes of "The River" which were pretty good. There were times where I went, wow that's stupid, but overall I enjoyed it and I'll probably continue to watch it.

On a completely different note, I'm moving tomorrow. I did pretty much all my packing today because I spent 3 days at Jeffs instead of getting anything done. I'm ok with that decision. It's not like I have a lot of stuff or that it's hard to pack, I just get distracted by anything so easily. I'm pretty sure I have slight ADD, but that is the least of my worries.

I'm pretty excited to move. Most of the time I feel like it's going to really great and a lot of fun, but then other times I'm like.. what if it just sucks for the next 6 and a half months? Like, what if the people who say they want to hang out with me, actually don't, or decide they don't want to? I dunno, I'm probably just paranoid. But, finding a job is gonna suck, hopefully it doesn't take me forever, which it probably will.

I'm definitely going to miss living here, everything is so handy and convenient and I like being on my own sometimes, but I get lonely.

Anyhow, I'm off to watch some Star Wars, eat some toaster strudles and/or pizza pockets, have a few drinks. and relax on my last night in my little apartment.

May the force be with you

Long time no see

Well, here I am, back again. Of course I have bailed on this blog for the millionth time since I started it. But no one reads it so I don't really feel too concerned.

First thing i'd like to mention, my last post on here is great and you should read it. I don't usually like the stuff I write, but that shit was genius and it'll probably make you feel better.

Second, I'm moving in about 5 days and I haven't started packing a single thing and this apartment is a fucking mess. Although I am excited to be moving home and not have to worry about paying bills, and to see my friends, I am going to miss the city. I know I can come visit and that it's really not that far, but it's been nice being on my own, even if it gets lonely sometimes. I will also miss my boyfriend Jeff desperately. I could spend so much time with him and just not give a fuck.

And third, Acadia again in the fall. I am excited, happy, nervous and scared all at once. Please just let me succeed this time.

The rain rain rain came down down down

I can't help but just lay in my bed and smile, when it's dark out and all I can hear is the rain falling right outside my window.

Maybe sometimes I don't appreciate things like this as much as I should. Sometimes we all get so bogged down with school, or work, or other issues going on in our lives, that we just completely forget about these simple things that are so awesome. We get so stressed about things like money, being accepted, relationships, jobs, and all the little things in life that we forget really are just little things. And there are so many of these little things that make up our lives that it's okay sometimes if we mess up. I mean life goes on, and it gets better. It gets better if you let it get better. But we forget that, and alot of the time, every tiny mistake feels like a really big mistake.

Anyways, I'm off to bed.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/l0i7JU9SijE?rel=0

Acadia, AFV, and other things.

I have been cursed with the inability to go to bed before about 2am.
And it's not that I haven't tried to go to bed earlier, because I have. Maybe I need to start waking up earlier even when I don't have to, because sleeping in until 11 or 12 probably isn't helping. Being on the computer probably isn't helping much either.
ohwell..

I miss being at Acadia. I love it there. I can't wait to go back (10daaaaaaaysfckyeah). It's going to be the best ever.

I'm so lonely right now. I never do anything. I go to school. I work one day a week. And all the other time I just sit in my apartment doing absolutely nothing. I need to get out more.

AFV is pretty damn entertaining though. A guy just put on a shock collar and he's testing to see if he can handle the 6 levels of it. Why? WHY?! I just don't get it. That has got to be one of the absolute, stupidest things i've ever witnessed. Like, it's causing him so much pain, but he's just leaving it on ther and keeps going.

I'm bitter tonight.

nonsense

Well, it's 3:16am. I should be sleeping because I have to deal with small children tomorrow and this late night isn't going to help. My sleep schedule is all messed up lately. I just can't go to bed at a decent hour. Oh well.

So I don't really have much to say, except that it's been a lame night. I just figure, even if I don't have anything to write, if I just make a habit of it anyways, I'll just keep doing it.

My Winnie The Pooh VHS doesn't work anymore and I'm damn upset about it.

Fuck.

Changes

Of course,

Almost two months have passed and I haven't written a thing. It's terrible, really it is. I'm so bad at keeping up with this shit.

Well my dearest readers (if there are any of you lurking out there), so many things have changed since my last post. I'm in school, I'm single, I cut off all my hair. Mostly just those three things are what have changed, but those are three really big things.

I'm so excited to be in school. It's really really tough, but I'm loving it. I think i'm going to go to Ryerson when I'm done here. I think that's my official plan. I'm gonna study Theatre Dance, because that's what I really love. Maybe I'll minor in Psychology, because sometimes I feel like that's what I should be doing. Maybe someday I'll do both. Dance Therapy? Who knows.

Being single kind of sucks, and I don't really enjoy it most of the time. There are times that I'm kind of happy about it, it's nice to be ''free'' in a sense, and not have to worry about someone else. And most of the time now I'm just too busy to even have a boyfriend. When you go to school 7 days a week, there isn't much time for anyone else. I mean, you have to make time for yourself, time to work, time to keep in touch with family, time to have friends. I don't even have time for all of those things, I guess I don't have time for a boyfriend anyways. Although, I do miss cuddling, and having someone to do things with when I want to do things, and someone to tell things to when there's no one else to tell. I just keep it to myself now.

I miss my hair.

Sometimes I like to lurk in my apartment window and look into my neighbors windows. That sounds really really creepy, but I don't do it in a creepy way. I just wonder what their lives are like, what their deal is.
Sometimes I like to make up stories, maybe I'll write a book (probablynot)

Well, I guess that's all for now. Maybe I'll start finding some time late at night to do this.

Sigh.

Heartbreak

There is SO much love in this world, and too much of it is wasted and destroyed.

I can't believe what happened and I don't know if it will ever leave my brain. I hate that the circumstances gave me no choice what-so-ever.

This sucks.

Toddlers and Tiaras

So, I’m sitting in my bed watching Toddlers and Tiaras, It’s the most ridiculous shit of all time, but whatever.

ANYWAYS, so there’s this little girl who says: “Someday I want to be on the American Olympic gymnastics team.” And I’m all like, you go girl that’s fucking awesome. BUT her mother says: “I don’t think that gymnastics and pageants really go together because her muscles were starting to develop and there were things she couldn’t do. So we’re taking a break from gymnastics and now her body is ‘back to normal’.”

:| WHAT.THA.FUCK.

I have never been more angry at a TV show in my life. “This is my daughter and I’m just going to go ahead and deprive her of her dreams.” Shameful, so fucking shameful.

 

it's hard to get any work done around here when my boss is so snuggly.

I am doing my best to keep this thing goin' strong. So far I think i'm doing pretty good since it's only been like, two days since I posted something (I lied it's been like 5 days). I don't really have much to write about but I figure if I just jump on here something will come to mind.

Today I sat in the park by a pond and read my book. I got kicked off the grass by this pond. (Which I think is really dumb because people should be allowed to sit on the grass in public parks.) I've also been sitting in that exact spot every other day for like two weeks, and no one had said anything to me until today. It was really nice because I liked being right by that little pond with the ducks. Guess I have to find a new place to read my books in the sun.
I was also hit on by some foreign fellow on the street. He was like.. 15. It was creepy and I didn't like it. So I gave him a sassy look and walked away. I hope he got the point that he's a creepy little weirdo and to not try to pick up women on the street.

My boyfriend came home from Cape Breton the other day. I am glad he's home. <3

I have nothing else to say. Nothing has really happened to me lately.

I can't wait to dance again.

Mornings

I mostly like to write things in the morning, because I think that's when my thoughts are more organic. Not tainted by the events of the day. Not leaning one way or the other. And you can write about yesterday after you've had time to reflect on it. But maybe I should want to write about today's events while they're still fresh in my mind? I dunno. I'm dumb.

I was at a concert the other night. There were three bands. The first band to go on stage was called "Oh No, Theodore." They were really amazing and I wish I had of had money to buy one of their CD's. Anyways, They were really refreshing to watch play. There were 6 of them on this little elementary school gym stage, but honestly the stage didn't seem crowded like it sometimes does. They looked like they just fit up there perfectly together. They were so in tune with each other and it was so nice, it didn't seem like a job at all; which i'm sure it never feels like. I couldn't stop watching their cello player (yeah, they had a cello player, and a violinist). While everyone was rockin' out, he was sitting in his chair, playing his cello, and his face was so peaceful. He was so into it, as was everyone else, but it was in such a different way than everyone else. I loved it.

I sat and listened to two men who were busking on the street today. One was playing a drum like thing, the other a guitar and a harmonica simultaneously. I sat for a while and thoroughly enjoyed their music. I then threw them the change that I had bulking up my purse and left. I got on the bus and thought about how people like that, who can play such good music, are so ignored. And I sit here hearing all these little pop stars who are making millions, when there are these two guys on the street playing some of the best shit I've heard all day. It's a shame.

Anyways, I then came home and played my own guitar. A day for music I suppose.

anchored

I miss him,
his smile
his voice
his hugs
his kisses
his body.


I want my face to hurt from smiling again.

There's something defeating about feeling like you aren't a part of someones life as much as you wish you were.

I wish I didn't know that feeling.

i think

I think that I enjoy doing absolutely nothing, a lot more than most people do.

I am currently laying in my bed in an oversized sweater that belongs to my boyfriend, watching The Nate Berkus Show. I am very hungry, but I have no food and no money to buy food. I guess i'm officially a starving artist, er.. dancer. Starving dancer? Sounds about right I guess.

In some ways I wish I had interesting things to write about, but it doesn't really matter.

I have to go fill out some paperwork this evening for a new job, so I'm pretty excited. I tried being a telemarketer for about a week. I came to the conclusion that, that's not the type of job for me. I missed retail too much. So that's my big plans for the day. Maybe i'll try and find someone to hang out with.

My boyfriend is in Cape Breton for the weekend and I miss him quite a lot. I think that I missed him before he was even gone, because just knowing I wasn't going to be able to see him was shitty. I thought that it wouldn't be so bad really, because we were long distance for most of our relationship thus far, and I saw him for like, 2 days every 2 or 3 weeks. And I mean, it's not like I didn't miss him in that time or that it was easy for me to be away from him, but I was used to it. But I still miss him and I can't wait to see his face again and hug him. The scariest thing about distance is that you don't know whether you'll be missed or forgotten.

Well I guess that's it. I'm gonna go eat some crackers or something.
<3

i don't know

I have found that life currently is the most unexciting thing. 

There are no unexpected events, no twists, nothing. Just.. nothing.

I sit around my apartment in the morning, eat breakfast, shower, and get ready for the day. Two or Three days a week I get ready for work and go there for 8 hours and then I come home and my day is over. The rest of the days I don't really do anything. Mostly because I don't know what to do. There's nothing to keep me occupied. I am pretty sure that everyone else will have a way more exciting summer than I am.

late night carbs

I don't like the way I write.

I read other peoples blogs, and it's like their blogs have a purpose. They have them for a reason, and they write and I want to read it because it seem interesting. I don't see this like that. I don't know why I'm writing, or who I'm writing it for or ever what I want to be in it. No one even really knows that I have this silly thing. I put it on Twitter, but no one really knows that I have that either.

I have an audition for dance school in two weeks. I'm nervous and excited, naturally. It's a simple half hour ballet class, which to any dancer seems easy peasy lemon squeezy. But I'm actually a little terrified because I have no idea what level of ballet it will be, how she's going to teach it, if she'll just ask me to do stuff or if she'll show me first. If she just asks I met never get into this school because I'm terrible with my vocabulary. Maybe I should brush up on it over the next two weeks. I'm also in a crunch to get in shape but I'm terrible at working out.

I guess it's time to brush my teeth and go to bed.
Oh, and note to self; when your best friend says "you shouldn't have carbs this late" she's right.